CCSS PAIP

How to help your child heal December is a traditional season of holidays and family. Advertisements, holiday television specials and cards show scenes of children with glowing faces; brightly lit Christmas trees surrounded by wrapped packages; and Christmas carols echo from every radio and store sound system. But for children exposed to domestic violence, the holiday season may be just another reminder that things in their home do not mirror society’s image as a happy holiday season. While statistics may indicate actual domestic violence calls to hotlines and police departments may drop due to continued close proximity of the abuser and his family; experts believe the actual acts of violence may increase. Add to that the 2020 pandemic’s impact on shelters, activities outside the home; and lack of victims’ interaction with those who might offer support or help, and in fact, pile onto this already stressful time for a family facing domestic violence. Experts also tell us that 50% of all

  Imagine having the power to simple think someone into doing what you want, convincing them they are never right.   You are always the expert and there will be dire consequences if they do not follow your every whim, wish and demand.   Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that seeks to take away the victim's liberty or freedom, to strip away their sense of self. It is not just a person’s body that is violated but also their human rights.  And while most folks focusing on domestic violence think about things like striking another or strangulation, Coercive control , is not primarily a crime of violent action, but rather the crime of stealing another person’s freedom and autonomy. Coercion  occurs when a partner claims they're more knowledgeable or have your best interests at heart. They might explain that they're only trying to help, or they are looking out for the other person, but in reality, they are attempting, and often succeeding at, taking away freedom.

A wise man once said you should never listen to the internal thoughts you tell yourself when you are upset or depressed.  The thinking behind that is that there are times when humans can be their own worst enemies.  During these times, we sometimes tell ourselves things that can be unhealthy. One such negative is a cognitive distortion . Cognitive distortions  are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn't true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves . Listed below are fifteen commonly used cognitive distortions.  1.       Personalizing - The process of making everything about yourself. 2.        Polarizing Thinking- The all or nothing process. You must be perfect, or you feel like a failure. 3.        Generalizing - Come to a general conclusion about life from a single incident. 4.       Fil

Everyone knows what shame feels like.  And no one likes it. Just the word, shame, alone can be highly charged.  According to the dictionary, shame is defined  as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by an awareness of wrong or foolish behavior;  used to reprove someone for something of which they should be ashamed; a regrettable or unfortunate situation or action or a person, action, or situation which brings a loss of respect or honor. Shame is a painful mix of regret, dishonor, and self-loathing.  The feeling comes from someone who feels flawed, inadequate, wrong, bad, unimportant, undeserving, or not good enough.  Shame, however, is not altogether bad. In fact, without it, society would not be able to regulate behaviors to socially acceptable norms. Fear of shame historically keeps society intact as individuals wish to avoid the disapproval of others.  Even when individuals don't feel a personal responsibility for their actions, shame keeps society rules in

  A study conducted by Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, found   infidelity  may have more in common with physical and psychological abuse than anyone has previously thought. Graduate students conducted interviews with individuals affected by extramarital affairs.   Study findings indicate unfaithful partners share many of the same characteristics as abusive partners. The cycle of events and reactions is similar in both. In both cases, a partnership may experience a build-up of tension, followed by the introduction of pain (either abuse or unfaithfulness), followed by a short period of guilt and reconciliation, which may include a short resolution period, after which the cycle starts again with renewed tension. As with abuse, cheating can become a habitual pattern in a relationship, possibly compounding the emotional trauma it creates. This pattern mirrors the cycle of violence experienced by domestic violence victims. Unfaithful partners show little regard for their b

In the past few weeks we have discussed how society shapes us, creates expectations such as the "man box" which might cause us to make assumptions about how to act, or how other people are "supposed to" act. We have talked about how we are socialized  by gender.  Socialization is defined as te act of adapting behavior to the norms of a culture or society.  This is one way men and women "learn" how to behave. However what about family? Think back to the family in which you grew up.  Now think about the family of which you are currently a part.  They may be the same people, or entirely different ones.  Old relationships may have stayed the same or changed as the participants aged. Now imagine your family as the cartoon characters in the children's movie The Incredibles" in which each member had a different and defining superpower. Assign each member of your childhood family a superpower.  You may even assign them more than one.  Make sure that the s

Violence.  Suddenly we find it all around us.  We see it in our stores, our parks, and our streets. As we continue to learn about and discuss societal acceptance of some types of violence and yet not others, we find ourselves feeling uneasy, upset, heavy, depressed, and confined. While violence may rage outside our doorstep, or down the street, or simply come into our homes through television, radio, or social media broadcasts, domestic violence creeps in silently. Tony Porter, in his 2010 TED Talk, uses a mathematical equation to identify how thoughts may lead us to justify actions regarding violence. Porter presents an equation which may lead to domestic violence. Believing women are less valuable plus women are property plus objectifying women equals  violence against women. And if we recall Jackson Katz's video, he points out the phrase "violence against women" is a phrase which takes men out of the equation. He speaks about how people make decisions

This week's lesson addresses misconceptions about violence and gender roles.  Hopefully, by this time you will have watched the video "Tough Guise: Manhood, and American Culture" featuring Jackson Katz. Building on the idea that some of our thoughts and expectations are ingrained through history, television, movies and advertisements, please watch the following one-hour HBO award-winning special. Violence: An American Tradition (Presented by HBO) After watching the video, be prepared to discuss on June 3 or 4, what beliefs these presentations may have dispelled for you and what new ideas they may have created. Once you have completed watching the video, to let facilitators know,  please follow this link .

In last week's lesson, it was discussed that everyone feels anger.  It is a normal human emotion. But more than that, anger is a secondary emotion, sometimes brought on to cloak to disguise fear, shame, anxiety or depression.  However, once anger can be moved out of the way, other emotions may come to the surface and be dealt with. Before taking a look through some ways to de-escalate the anger we feel, take a look at some of the things which don't work with the following YouTube video.   https://youtu.be/FsRMjJJoy24 Now then, when you feel anger, stop, take a deep breath and count to five slowly.  Examine what you are really feeling. Are there other emotions in the mix; issues that could be resolved if only they were addressed? If that doesn't work, try this. To kick anger to the curb, pay attention to the thoughts which fuel it.  "Poor me" "Life Sucks," "How dare they treat me like this," are all phrases which fuel anger.  Wi

If there is one emotion which can derail you – anger is it. Anger is a tough topic to talk about.   Everyone experiences it.   It is built into the human emotional landscape.   However, anger comes with baggage unlike any other emotion. People who struggle with anger are people in pain.   Ander is a secondary emotion which means there is a more vulnerable emotion under the anger such as hurt fear or shame.   With chronic anger, fear tends to be the most common underlying emotion.   Anger helps us feel powerful, strong and in control First a few concepts to understand anger. Ø   Anger cannot exist without judgement and criticism. Ø   Anger needs an enemy to exist Ø   Anger thrives on blame. Ø   Acting while under the influence of anger leads to regret. Ø   Ander covers up more vulnerable emotions like fear or hurt. When you feel angry, the first step is to identify your stage of anger: 1                    2                  3               4                   5

   There is a good reason the small piece of metal on a gun and the event or action which causes us to instantaneously react to something are both called triggers. Both can create bad outcomes and change situations for the worst in the blink of an eye. In the Ted Talk of Judson Brewer: A Simple Way to Break A Bad Habit: https://youtu.be/-moW9jvvMr4, Judson discusses the human reward-based learning system in which our memories form habits.  We use this formula to feel a certain way; reach for a comforting act; and feel rewarded. In a diet, we feel stressed, or angry, or hungry; eat a cookie; and feel satiated. In our relationships, when we feel upset because we don't feel understood, or heard, or loved; we may act in a negative way; and feel good from the momentary release of energy. Whether a cookie or a release of energy, we reinforce the behavior that a certain act i.e. eating, screaming, punching a wall or breaking a dish; is a great way to resolve a feeling. Read t

Parenting is tough; co-parenting is tougher.  Mix in an order of protection and co-parenting develops an even deeper level of challenge.  All 50 states and the District of Columbia have some form of protection order statutes. In Illinois, they are called Orders of Protection.  An Order of Protection may include many different provisions, such as: No Contact: This provision prohibits calling, texting, emailing, stalking, attacking, hitting, or disturbing.  “No Contact” orders may also prohibit communication through a third party. No Unlawful Contact : Such a requirement permits partners to peacefully communicate for limited reasons, including arranging care or visitation for their child.  Stay Away: This type of order requires one party to stay at least a certain number of yards or feet away from the other person, as well as the other person’s home, job, school, and car. The stay-away distance can vary by state or the seriousn

For some, defining domestic violence can be confusing. Some people unknowingly place themselves at risk because they dismiss red-flag behaviors. As we dig into the foundations of emotional intelligence, we discover tools that can help us prevent violence from occurring.  One such tool is the BELIEVE model.   We can use the  BELIEVE  model to help us pinpoint r thinking and behaviors that are unhealthy, risky, or downright dangerous. BELIEVE stands for Boundaries, Entitlement, Lies and Manipulation, Isolation and Intimidation, Expectations, Victim Stance and Eggshells. In every unhealthy relationship there is a lack of boundaries .  Boundaries  are necessary  to outline areas of individual accountability and to provide very clear markers so that partners do not overwhelm one another. Boundaries also help prevent one partner from  smothering the other and inhibiting independence. Entitlement occurs when one partner assumes that the other should do what is desir

The term abuse can be insidious because it can encompass so many things and occurs differently in so many contexts, so defining abuse can be difficult and confusing for all parties involved. Domestic abuse is defined by the National Network to End Domestic Violence as "any act in which one individual repeatedly uses means to humiliate, depersonalize or control his or her intimate partner with the sole purpose of intimidating, coercing  and controlling that other person. This can include physical, sexual or verbal assaults, embarrassment, insults, manipulation of children; verbal threats, or simply overpowering body language." When processing the subject of domestic violence, the best place to start is by identifying it. There are 5 broad categories of abuse. In most abusive relationships, multiple forms are present. The most significant aspect of each type of abuse is fear. In previous weeks we have discussed empathy and noted that empathy occurs when we can u

“As soon as we wish to be happier, we are no longer happy.” -Walter Landor Contentment: what does that word mean? Well, according to the dictionary contentment is defined as a state of happiness and satisfaction. But how many of us can actually say we are happy? In our modern and fast-paced world, it seems we aren’t so much enjoying happiness as seeking the next thing that will make us happy, or happier. According to Walter Landor, an English writer and poet, the minute we start seeking the next happiness, we stop being happy and start striving for something else. It is that desire for more happiness that robs us of the enjoyment of happiness in the moment. Two of the changes we can make to help ourselves pause and actually experience happiness are identifying what really makes us happy and concentrate on that happiness, not chasing it, not increasing it, just concentrating on it and enjoying it. Please complete the following assignment and allow your mind to medit

No matter how confined we might feel, sheltering in place in our homes, there is no denying that spring is in the air. Flowers bloom; squirrels scamper; trees bud; and birds sing. Colors are right outside our windows. We can embody some of that color and sunshine with a little empathy, sympathy and compassion. Sympathy is the act of acknowledging we are aware of another's distress. Empathy takes it a step further, allowing us to not only offer compassion for another person's pain, but to put ourselves in another person's shoes and walk around in that. Carl Safina takes us a step further. Safina shows us how to position ourselves to expand our empathy, to walk further into the depths of our ability to feel. Homework instructions (due 4/10/20 by 8P): 1) Watch the Safina video. 2) Apply what you've learned about empathy and compose a response in your partner's voice. 3) Think about the story of the incident that led you to participate in this group

Networks across the world have confirmed that these are unprecedented times. COVID-19 precautions have most of us locked out of work and locked in our homes.  Being at home has its plusses and minuses.  The plusses are we have an opportunity to spend time in the place where a great majority of our income goes; we get a chance to focus on being in the space where many of our most beloved people and most emotionally meaningful belongings are; and we get an opportunity to improve the space that deserves the best and most of our attention. The minuses are sometimes home isn't what it should be; sometimes it can feel more like a prison of expectations and a place where all of our disappointments have their own rooms. Add to that for those of us who are used to working (or being out and about) and having some measure of control over how we spend our time, this can be an especially grueling experience. An experience that may present us with stressors that bring out th

Prominent mental health/health outlets have released articles stating that domestic violence will  increase dramatically with the onset of sheltering in place. The concern is that more DV will occur and fewer resources will be available to address it.  For example, Sapien, Thompson, Raghavedren, and Rose from ProPublica reported that: "Gwyn Kaitis heard that the measures to prevent the spread of the virus required families to stay in their homes, her mind raced through the consequences. Kaitis is the policy coordinator for the New Mexico Coalition Against Domestic Violence, and one thing she knows is that 'violence increases when you have circumstances such as unemployment and isolation.'" What are your ideas about Kaitis's concerns? How has COVID-19 impacted your lifestyle? Are those changes causing stress? Please watch the Coronavirus: How to Look After Your Mental Health When Isolating video. It is highly important that we, as students of partner

Please read the information on the image above, watch the two videos below, then answer the questions in PART II. This entire assignment can be completed via your mobile phone. Or if typing is too difficult, you can write the answers to the questions in PART II on a piece of paper and then take a picture of that paper and email it to choices@crisisctr.org by 9P on 3/21/19. PART 1 of Assignment Please watch this video  and this video . PART II of Assignment Please follow this link to the Q & A portion of the assignment. Notes for Q & A section. 1. Read all the questions first. 2. Focus on a single incident, person, or relationship. 3. Provide full answers and be certain to answer the question that is asked. 4. After you've answered the question, please press submit. NOTE: When you click link, it may open in same window. Thank you.

For those of us who have been intentionally doing what it takes to change a habitual behavior in our lives, we know that there are many ebbs and flows, ups and downs, reasons to give up, and reasons to press on. When going through the change process, it is important to know what the different stages of change are, and know how those stages tend to feel. First, let's review the stages of change. Stage 1: Pre-Contemplation: You're dealing with the consequences, but not really caring, or feeling accountable enough to make a real move. It's the "People are talking, but I kinda don't care, kinda not aware" stage. Stage 2: Contemplation: You have not fully accepted that there is an issue; however, you're still not completely convinced or empowered to seek change. Stage 3: Preparation: You have accepted that there is certainly a problem and that the answer is making changes. This is the planning stage. Stage 4: Action: You've initiated c