Domestic Violence Casts a Shadow Over Holiday Seasons

How to help your child heal December is a traditional season of holidays and family. Advertisements, holiday television specials and cards show scenes of children with glowing faces; brightly lit Christmas trees surrounded by wrapped packages; and Christmas carols echo from every radio and store sound system. But for children exposed to domestic violence, the holiday season may be just another reminder that things in their home do not mirror society’s image as a happy holiday season. While statistics may indicate actual domestic violence calls to hotlines and police departments may drop due to continued close proximity of the abuser and his family; experts believe the actual acts of violence may increase. Add to that the 2020 pandemic’s impact on shelters, activities outside the home; and lack of victims’ interaction with those who might offer support or help, and in fact, pile onto this already stressful time for a family facing domestic violence. Experts also tell us that 50% of all children are injured in domestic violence situations. About half of those are victims of child abuse; while the other half are children who are injured while domestic violence is occurring, either accidentally or as the child attempts to separate his parents, or protect one parent from the other. So what are children who are exposed to domestic violence feeling? • Separation anxiety. Young kids may be afraid to be apart from their parents. Older kids may worry about being away from home—they may fear that a parent might be abusive when they are at school. • Guilt. Older kids may feel guilty that they couldn’t do anything to stop the abuse, especially if they are physically bigger than the abuser. • Denial. Kids see things concretely—abstract thinking develops over time. So kids who don’t see the abuse firsthand may try to believe that it’s not happening. • Mixed emotions. Abusers are often nice to some or all of their children. “That’s part of the manipulation of the abuser—to have allies throughout the household,” Bernstein says. “Kids can love and hate the same person at the same time. They have to understand their feelings.” • Apathy. Acting out isn’t always aggressive. It can also take the form of apathy or lack of connection. “They can detach from the overwhelm,” Bernstein says. • Anger. Older kids can be angry at the protective parent for not leaving an abuser sooner. Children don’t always understand the psychological tactics abusers use to trap a survivor, or that without money or support, the parent may have had no place else to go. Domestic violence is often generational, meaning one generation of parents teach the behaviors to the next, perpetuating the cycle. To that end, it is critical to educate young people so important to stop the cycle.