Skip to main content

BELIEVE in Early Warning Signs (PAIP Assignment for 4/29 and 4/30)


For some, defining domestic violence can be confusing. Some people unknowingly place themselves at risk because they dismiss red-flag behaviors.

As we dig into the foundations of emotional intelligence, we discover tools that can help us prevent violence from occurring. 

One such tool is the BELIEVE model.  We can use the BELIEVE  model to help us pinpoint r thinking and behaviors that are unhealthy, risky, or downright dangerous.

BELIEVE stands for Boundaries, Entitlement, Lies and Manipulation, Isolation and Intimidation, Expectations, Victim Stance and Eggshells.


In every unhealthy relationship there is a lack of boundaries. Boundaries are necessary  to outline areas of individual accountability and to provide very clear markers so that partners do not overwhelm one another. Boundaries also help prevent one partner from  smothering the other and inhibiting independence.


Entitlement occurs when one partner assumes that the other should do what is desired because the desirous partner deserves, or is entitled to, the treatment.

Lies and Manipulations in a relationship eliminate equity and mutual care and concern.  When one partner lies or manipulates another, that partner doesn’t respect the other’s boundaries nor cares about their goals and desires.

Isolation and Intimidation create a scenario in which one partner stays with another solely because of a lack of support or contact with others.  One partner may isolate the other from family, friends, co-workers, keeping the isolated partner totally reliant on the relationship. Threats can include taking custody of children, failing to provide housing or financial support, or causing people to think less of the survivor.

Expectations come into play when one partner sets the tone and goals for the relationship and threatens or intimidates the other into attempting to live up to them.  And oftentimes, expectations are set impossibly high.

Victim Stance is a situation in which the dominate partner sees himself as a victim.  This behavior also interacts with sense of entitlement as well as setting up feelings of failed expectations. 

The last word in BELIEVE – Eggshells – represents that dreadful, fearful feeling that something bad is about to happen.  It can cause a perpetual state of hypervigilance in which someone feels she or he is always on the edge of suffering another blow up.

Keep in mind, none of us are perfect. Using the BELIEVE model, think about when you have not respected boundaries, felt entitled, lied to or manipulated a partner, isolated and intimidated a partner, had unrealistic expectations, and then took the victim stance.

Knowing when we have committed the above behaviors or had unhealthy thoughts is an important step in realizing how we contribute to the conflict in our relationships.

Assignment (due: 5/2 by 8P):

 1) Read through the above definitions.
2) Make a list of occasions on which you have felt  the feelings or experienced the behaviors outlined in BELIEVE.
3) Make a list of occasions on which you have caused someone to have the feelings or experienced the behaviors outlined above.
4) Select items on your list and write down what emotions you were experiencing at the time of the occurrence.
5) Please answer the questions using this Google Form.

Chris AC, MA, CDVP and SolEK, MS, CFLE, CDVP

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

China attempts "masculine" mandate

China is changing. A recent article in the NBC network on line addition discussed the case of a 13-year-old boy in Shanghai. Bu Yunhao was being bullied in his middle school, avoided on a class trip, called too girly and made fun of for the pitch of his voice when as class monitor he attempted to perform his duties. He was accused of spending too much time with girls and having alternative agendas when befriending boys. While Yunhao's classmates may have stopped bullying him, the Chinese government recently decided to define masculinity themselves. A recent announcement from the government states the government will “encourage masculinity” primarily by encouraging physical contact such as boxing. Authorities are also condemning pop cultural icons that don’t fit the prescribed mold while critics state they feel the government definition emphasizes what many consider to be outdated and damaging stereotypes for men and boys. According to an articvle published in NBC News "Boy...
Post a Comment
Read more

Violence: An American Tradition (PAIP Assignment for 5/27 and 5/28)

This week's lesson addresses misconceptions about violence and gender roles.  Hopefully, by this time you will have watched the video "Tough Guise: Manhood, and American Culture" featuring Jackson Katz. Building on the idea that some of our thoughts and expectations are ingrained through history, television, movies and advertisements, please watch the following one-hour HBO award-winning special. Violence: An American Tradition (Presented by HBO) After watching the video, be prepared to discuss on June 3 or 4, what beliefs these presentations may have dispelled for you and what new ideas they may have created. Once you have completed watching the video, to let facilitators know,  please follow this link .
Post a Comment
Read more

Identifying Triggers for Bad Behaviors (PAIP Assignment for 5/6 and 5/7)

   There is a good reason the small piece of metal on a gun and the event or action which causes us to instantaneously react to something are both called triggers. Both can create bad outcomes and change situations for the worst in the blink of an eye. In the Ted Talk of Judson Brewer: A Simple Way to Break A Bad Habit: https://youtu.be/-moW9jvvMr4, Judson discusses the human reward-based learning system in which our memories form habits.  We use this formula to feel a certain way; reach for a comforting act; and feel rewarded. In a diet, we feel stressed, or angry, or hungry; eat a cookie; and feel satiated. In our relationships, when we feel upset because we don't feel understood, or heard, or loved; we may act in a negative way; and feel good from the momentary release of energy. Whether a cookie or a release of energy, we reinforce the behavior that a certain act i.e. eating, screaming, punching a wall or breaking a dish; is a great way to resolve a fe...
Post a Comment
Read more