Starting the fire of anger (PAIP Assignment for 5/13 and 5/14)

If there is one emotion which can derail you – anger is it. Anger is a tough topic to talk about. Everyone experiences it. It is built into the human emotional landscape. However, anger comes with baggage unlike any other emotion.

People who struggle with anger are people in pain. Ander is a secondary emotion which means there is a more vulnerable emotion under the anger such as hurt fear or shame. With chronic anger, fear tends to be the most common underlying emotion. Anger helps us feel powerful, strong and in control

First a few concepts to understand anger.
Ø Anger cannot exist without judgement and criticism.
Ø Anger needs an enemy to exist
Ø Anger thrives on blame.
Ø Acting while under the influence of anger leads to regret.
Ø Ander covers up more vulnerable emotions like fear or hurt.

When you feel angry, the first step is to identify your stage of anger:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Annoyed --Irritated ---Frustrated --Hostile --Mad -- Angry --Pissed -- Furious --Enraged

After that. think of anger as the process of starting a fire. Anger, like fire, need a spark and fuel to burn.

Anger can start with a stressor like a bad day at work; coming home to chaos; having unreasonable expectations. Those things can make us annoyed or frustrated, but on their own, don’t generate a flame.

That stressor needs a spark in the way of angry thoughts: “I’m stuck, I’m trapped. I am a victim of this person or situation. Life is unfair or that person is unjust.” These thoughts are fuel for the fire of anger.

This formula plays out in STAR:

STRESSOR: Your feeling

THOUGHTS: Your thought about your feeling

AFFECT: Anger

RESULT: Lashing out

Once these items are identified, behavior can be changed but swapping out one of the elements. Swap compassion for judgement; understanding for blame or eliminate personalization. “It isn’t always all about me.”

Once you have reviewed this material, spend time writing down two incidents in which your thoughts, or fuel caused you to be enraged. Then reframe the situations to describe how you could better have approached them.

Click this sentence to access the questions.

Chris Alcorn Catena, MA, CDVP

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