Shame and Loathing in Domestic Violence

Everyone knows what shame feels like. And no one likes it. Just the word, shame, alone can be highly charged.

According to the dictionary, shame is defined as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by an awareness of wrong or foolish behavior; used to reprove someone for something of which they should be ashamed; a regrettable or unfortunate situation or action or a person, action, or situation which brings a loss of respect or honor.

Shame is a painful mix of regret, dishonor, and self-loathing. The feeling comes from someone who feels flawed, inadequate, wrong, bad, unimportant, undeserving, or not good enough.

Shame, however, is not altogether bad. In fact, without it, society would not be able to regulate behaviors to socially acceptable norms. Fear of shame historically keeps society intact as individuals wish to avoid the disapproval of others. Even when individuals don't feel a personal responsibility for their actions, shame keeps society rules in place as individuals fear societal shaming for breaking the rules. In this way, it makes us able to function in our society. This is a type of external shame, coming from others.

But then there is another type of shame - pathological shame. This is an internal shame, coming from the shamed individual's internal beliefs, whether real or imagined. Shame becomes a disorder when it affects other behaviors. Instead of becoming a learning experience about the particular norms, it becomes a permanent rejection of some aspect of how an individual views themselves. Instead of just becoming the occasion of embarrassment, it may turn into a more permanent sense of ourselves as bad, wrong, repugnant, or unlovable. This is the type of shame that causes maladaptive behaviors. Internal shame is connected to addiction, depression, domestic violence, aggressive behavior, bullying, suicide, eating disorders, and cutting.

The antidote to shame is love and self-compassion. Since shame is as created through emotional experience or was internalized from messages from others, the cure for shame must be a self-loving self-message. Love for oneself has to come from being lovable.

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