Skip to main content

Shame and Loathing in Domestic Violence

Everyone knows what shame feels like.  And no one likes it. Just the word, shame, alone can be highly charged. 


According to the dictionary, shame is defined as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by an awareness of wrong or foolish behavior; used to reprove someone for something of which they should be ashamed; a regrettable or unfortunate situation or action or a person, action, or situation which brings a loss of respect or honor.

Shame is a painful mix of regret, dishonor, and self-loathing.  The feeling comes from someone who feels flawed, inadequate, wrong, bad, unimportant, undeserving, or not good enough. 

Shame, however, is not altogether bad. In fact, without it, society would not be able to regulate behaviors to socially acceptable norms. Fear of shame historically keeps society intact as individuals wish to avoid the disapproval of others.  Even when individuals don't feel a personal responsibility for their actions, shame keeps society rules in place as individuals fear societal shaming for breaking the rules. In this way, it makes us able to function in our society.  This is a type of external shame, coming from others.

But then there is another type of shame - pathological shame. This is an internal shame, coming from the shamed individual's internal beliefs, whether real or imagined. Shame becomes a disorder when it affects other behaviors. Instead of becoming a learning experience about the particular norms, it becomes a permanent rejection of some aspect of how an individual views themselves. Instead of just becoming the occasion of embarrassment, it may turn into a more permanent sense of ourselves as bad, wrong, repugnant, or unlovable. This is the type of shame that causes maladaptive behaviors.  Internal shame is connected to addiction, depression, domestic violence, aggressive behavior, bullying, suicide, eating disorders, and cutting.

The antidote to shame is love and self-compassion. Since shame is as created through emotional experience or was internalized from messages from others, the cure for shame must be a self-loving self-message. Love for oneself has to come from being lovable.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

China attempts "masculine" mandate

China is changing. A recent article in the NBC network on line addition discussed the case of a 13-year-old boy in Shanghai. Bu Yunhao was being bullied in his middle school, avoided on a class trip, called too girly and made fun of for the pitch of his voice when as class monitor he attempted to perform his duties. He was accused of spending too much time with girls and having alternative agendas when befriending boys. While Yunhao's classmates may have stopped bullying him, the Chinese government recently decided to define masculinity themselves. A recent announcement from the government states the government will “encourage masculinity” primarily by encouraging physical contact such as boxing. Authorities are also condemning pop cultural icons that don’t fit the prescribed mold while critics state they feel the government definition emphasizes what many consider to be outdated and damaging stereotypes for men and boys. According to an articvle published in NBC News "Boy...
Post a Comment
Read more

Violence: An American Tradition (PAIP Assignment for 5/27 and 5/28)

This week's lesson addresses misconceptions about violence and gender roles.  Hopefully, by this time you will have watched the video "Tough Guise: Manhood, and American Culture" featuring Jackson Katz. Building on the idea that some of our thoughts and expectations are ingrained through history, television, movies and advertisements, please watch the following one-hour HBO award-winning special. Violence: An American Tradition (Presented by HBO) After watching the video, be prepared to discuss on June 3 or 4, what beliefs these presentations may have dispelled for you and what new ideas they may have created. Once you have completed watching the video, to let facilitators know,  please follow this link .
Post a Comment
Read more

Identifying Triggers for Bad Behaviors (PAIP Assignment for 5/6 and 5/7)

   There is a good reason the small piece of metal on a gun and the event or action which causes us to instantaneously react to something are both called triggers. Both can create bad outcomes and change situations for the worst in the blink of an eye. In the Ted Talk of Judson Brewer: A Simple Way to Break A Bad Habit: https://youtu.be/-moW9jvvMr4, Judson discusses the human reward-based learning system in which our memories form habits.  We use this formula to feel a certain way; reach for a comforting act; and feel rewarded. In a diet, we feel stressed, or angry, or hungry; eat a cookie; and feel satiated. In our relationships, when we feel upset because we don't feel understood, or heard, or loved; we may act in a negative way; and feel good from the momentary release of energy. Whether a cookie or a release of energy, we reinforce the behavior that a certain act i.e. eating, screaming, punching a wall or breaking a dish; is a great way to resolve a fe...
Post a Comment
Read more