CCSS PAIP

How can we take our accountability up a notch (or two) for the new year? Something we can try is concentrating on 20/20 for 2020.  This new year can bring about new revelations, new strengths, and new insights via our renewed vision. We can make a commitment to being more honest and accurate in our analysis of ourselves. We can dedicate ourselves to refusing to blame others. We can also refuse to minimize and deny the impact of our  actions, our feelings, and our thoughts too. A clearer view of our deliberate negativity and subconscious shortcomings can position us to to see ourselves further into the future. Doing such may prompt us to ask and answer probing questions such as: What do we want to keep? And what do we want to leave behind? What do we have space for in our minds, our hearts, our lives? And what is (and has been) a hindrance? For some of us, we may be throwing more away than keeping. And that's okay. That's the first step that makes the authe...

It's after Thanksgiving and before Christmas. Many of us are now on the other side of spending the first major holiday without the family we thought would be together forever. We survived the dread that led up to the moment, and we waded through the awkward minutes that made up the hours that made up the day and all its hundreds of thousands agonizing thoughts. Good for us. Some of us, however, did not fare so well. For a few of us, there were major setbacks: unhealthy disagreements, dysfunctional conflicts, the finality of a once-hoped-for relationship, and for others maybe even an arrest. Still, we live on. Regardless of how well or not so well we did, our next question should be: how do we improve? Dr. James Hollis has a message for men (that can be applied to women too, honestly). Take a look at this: Hollis said that "all men have moments of shame in their lives, and they tend not to forgive themselves for these things. ... The shaming value for most men sho...

Having everything just the way we like it is kind of the way we like things. We live in a world that values customization. So, it's easy for some of us to want to program everything from our phones to our relationships. And, it's not unusual for technology to be a part of our relationships. Everything from face timing, to scheduling our dates, to recording special moments, to creating videos and movies and pictures and songs can all be done from our devices. In our intimate partner relationships, we often use technology to enhance and increase our communications and express our love. Another major bonus is that technology allows us to be in two places at once. We can be in the place we physically have to be in and also be in the place where we emotionally want to be in, all at the same time. Technology and relationships for many of us is a win-win, until it isn't. In a balanced, healthy relationship, technology is a gift that allows us to stay connected. In an imb...

Photo: Blackdoctors.org When we think about sexual violence, we typically think about cases we've seen in the news. It is not unusual to recall blatant violations that involved bold acts of complete disregard. However, when sexual violence happens in some intimate partner relationships, the bold acts that are involved are not always easily identified. Lundy Bancroft states "When people think about forced sex, they picture sexual assault. So when [abusive people force] sex through pressure or manipulation or sleep deprivation, [manipulated partners don't always] know what to call it..." ( Why Does He Do That, p. 173). It is rare for people who have not committed a brash act of sexual violence to even consider that they have been sexually abusive toward their partners. Yet, when we ponder the more subtle ways in which sexual boundaries are violated, our answers concerning whether we have violated the sexual boundaries of others may go from a definite ...

Psychologist Paul G. Mattiuzzi, Ph.D graces us with this gem of knowledge: When we fail to empathize, we are prone to victimize others. In abusive relationships, it is not uncommon for people to feel ignored, unheard, disconnected, and misunderstood. Take a look at the empathy wheel above. Being empathetic, like being in love, should be about action, very deliberate actions that are evidence of a true emotional state. Have you ignored your partner's needs, refused to listen and believe your partner's feelings? Within the context of empathy, to love someone means making an effort to know them better so that we may care for them better and understand them better. Love is not just about getting our needs met; it is also about meeting the needs of others. That is why within the context of empathy, being selfish, abusive, and cold is not and cannot be love. And that is why within the context of empathy when we are unloving to our partners and there is a deliber...

Does marijuana cause domestic violence or not? Well, let's start with the confusion. Wendy L. Patrick, Ph.D.  reported marijuana use is a risk factor for violence. Dr. Jordan Tishler stated that intimate partner violence is decreased by marijuana use. Dr. Ryan C. Shore y and a team of researchers over at the American Psychological Association announced that marijuana use is positively and significantly related with intimate partner violence. So, as we can see, this is a complicated matter with no easy answers. Right? Well, not so fast. Considering that we're in PAIP and that we're practicing personal accountability and self-awareness, when it comes to a matter with so many different opinions, we should possibly focus less on the research out there and focus more on what we have experienced in our own lives. Start with answering the following questions: Is marijuana causing conflict in your life? Are there arguments about your marijuana use or spending...

A majority of the research on alcohol and domestic violence can be summed up in this one statement, "Alcohol and domestic abuse are frequently paired. However, while alcohol is often involved in issues of intimate partner violence it is never the sole reason behind it" (alcoholrehabguide.org). Attention: Alcohol is never the sole reason behind violence. On the other hand, many people believe that alcohol plays a major role in the violence they have experienced. Some go as far as to blame alcohol for their violence.  Whether you are a believer that alcohol causes violence, or you believe that it is not the sole reason for violence, or if you're on the fence about this issue, there are a few questions that need to be considered: A) How does alcohol affect you: Do you tend to talk more and think less? Do you get what is referred to as beer muscles? Have you regretted things you've said or done while intoxicated? Do you drink to calm down? Do you drink...

Losing your temper can also result in losing your home. Physical and verbal assaults can end your relationship and your lease.  It is important to understand that the mistreatment of others will not be tolerated. Landlords have the right to keep their property safe  for their tenants and free from damage.  If you're causing conflict that can be perceived as a harm to others or their property, you may find yourself in a worse position than you ever imagined... homeless .  Think about the following. The ACLU has recorded many instances of landlords and law enforcement taking action against people who violate the boundaries of others and refuse to behave respectfully. Here are the findings: Penalties on nuisance properties have been imposed. A “nuisance” is defined as a situation in which an occupant, guest or business invitee commits criminal activities or engages in disorderly conduct on the premises. (Remember domestic violence is a criminal ac...

There is much to be learned from the Anonymous Group traditions. Of special note are their rules for ensuring an atmosphere of recovery. PAIP groups are an atmosphere of recovery as well; recovery from abusive patterns of power and control. Anonymous has created questions for individuals who attend group to ask themselves: 1) Do you respect the group enough to get there on time and stay engaged until the end? 2) Do you interrupt the group with chatter? 3) Is having (fill in the blank) so important that you interrupt or miss part of the group because you are focused on something/someone else? 4) Do you listen to the readings, tune out, or start talking? 5) Do you listen to other group members as they share issues that are important to them, regardless of how you feel about what they are saying? 6) Do you expect to attend group though you're late? Do you understand the importance of not being late? 7) Do you give other group members the same attention and respect y...

The State of Illinois has criminalized all forms of domestic violence  "including physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, and exploitation." The Illinois Domestic Violence Act of 1986  CCSS PAIP infers six objectives of The Illinois Domestic Violence Act of 1986: 1. Illinois recognizes domestic violence as "a  serious crime against the individual and society which produces family disharmony in thousands of Illinois families, promotes a pattern of escalating violence which frequently culminates in intra-family homicide, and creates an emotional atmosphere that is not conducive to healthy childhood development."  2. Illinois protects  all victims of domestic violence including high risk adults with disabilities and facilitates accessibility of remedies under the Act in order to provide immediate and effective assistance and protection. 3. Illinois supports "the efforts of victims of domestic violence to avoid further abuse by promptly entering...

The State of Illinois has proclaimed that "domestic violence is a prevalent social problem that not only harms the victim, but also negatively impacts a victim's family, friends, and community at large" (Governor's Office, 2017).