The Conspiracy of Silence and The Internal Lake of Tears

It's after Thanksgiving and before Christmas. Many of us are now on the other side of spending the first major holiday without the family we thought would be together forever.

We survived the dread that led up to the moment, and we waded through the awkward minutes that made up the hours that made up the day and all its hundreds of thousands agonizing thoughts. Good for us.

Some of us, however, did not fare so well. For a few of us, there were major setbacks: unhealthy disagreements, dysfunctional conflicts, the finality of a once-hoped-for relationship, and for others maybe even an arrest. Still, we live on.

Regardless of how well or not so well we did, our next question should be: how do we improve?

Dr. James Hollis has a message for men (that can be applied to women too, honestly). Take a look at this:
Hollis said that "all men have moments of shame in their lives, and they tend not to forgive themselves for these things. ... The shaming value for most men shows up in either the places they tend to hide out or where they tend to get caught up in overcompensation; so much macho behavior is often over compensation for personal feelings of inadequacy and feelings of shame" (Youtube: Lourdes Viado, PhD, MFT, "Episode 40: The Secrets Men Carry with James Hollis, PhD").

As a woman, I identify with what Hollis has stated, even the "macho" part. And as a person who has observed men and listened to their experiences, I know that Hollis is on to something.

Let's ponder his idea a bit more deeply and do an application exercise.

• What are your ideas and fantasies about yourself? How do those ideas conflict with your reality?
• What are your ideas and fantasies about family? How do those ideas conflict with your reality?
• How do the differences and similarities make you feel? Do the contradictions make you feel ashamed, disappoint, and/or anger you?
• How do you overcompensate for these perceived deficiencies?
• How does your macho show up? Whose boundaries may it (the macho) be violating? Whose boundaries have your macho violated in the past?

The conspiracy of silence. When we think of silence we tend to think about silence between people, but let us consider the silence within too, the silence of shame. One of the cornerstone reasons we ask ourselves these questions is to give voice to thoughts and beliefs that are typically in the subconscious. These types of latent beliefs have a huge impact on how we interact with others. And when we notice a pattern of disappointment, it is so important to look underneath, and examine the inner workings of what is causing us to be separated from our desired outcomes.

Undesired outcomes, trying and failing, never quite getting it right, or never ever really feeling good enough, the internal lake of tears are made of these waters. And it is in these waters where we must swim. Asking and answering questions that probe us to more closely examine our shame, our fear, our anger takes us down beneath the surface and into the depths of our subconscious minds. It is important that we know this territory and bring light into this space. Understanding our pain, helps us to plan how to heal it. It keeps us within the realm of our own power and away from distractions that foster cognitive distortions that often cause co-dependency and toxic behaviors.

These are just a few ideas and motivations for us to consider as we work toward greater clarity, more effective self-reflection, and improved communication.


-SolEK, MS, CFLE, CDVP