Skip to main content

Sexual Violence in Intimate Partner Relationships: It's Not Always What You Think

Photo: Blackdoctors.org


When we think about sexual violence, we typically think about cases we've seen in the news. It is not unusual to recall blatant violations that involved bold acts of complete disregard.

However, when sexual violence happens in some intimate partner relationships, the bold acts that are involved are not always easily identified.

Lundy Bancroft states "When people think about forced sex, they picture sexual assault. So when [abusive people force] sex through pressure or manipulation or sleep deprivation, [manipulated partners don't always] know what to call it..." (Why Does He Do That, p. 173).

It is rare for people who have not committed a brash act of sexual violence to even consider that they have been sexually abusive toward their partners.

Yet, when we ponder the more subtle ways in which sexual boundaries are violated, our answers concerning whether we have violated the sexual boundaries of others may go from a definite "no" to a shocked "yes."

Take a look at the following.  A pattern of any of these behaviors is abuse:
  • Waking a partner (without the partner's consent) to engage in intimate activity interferes with the partner's biological need for sleep.
  • Not respecting a partner's boundaries and begging for intimate activity causes duress and can be considered a form of low-key intimidation and without question is harassment.
  • When a partner says "no," responding with "if you don't do it, someone else will" or even hinting at such is a threat.
  • Withholding resources from a partner when intimacy needs are not met can be a form of coercion. 
Let's add it all up: interference, harassment, being intimidating, casting threats, and using coercion to get intimate needs met sounds more and more like acts of sexual violence, though no overt physical violence may be involved.

Yet, when we do not understand that the actions listed above are sexual violence, it's easy for us to engage in such behaviors and truly believe that no violence has been committed.

But just imagine if the above happens to you night after night, time and time. How secure would you feel in the relationship? Would you trust the person not to do something that would betray the relationship? Would you feel that intimate activity is more important than you?

Just a guess: the answers to the above questions are not positive.

Now let's add that all up: an intimate partner relationship that has no security, no trust, and intimate activity is of utmost important, in many instances more important than respect.

Lundy said people experiencing this abuse don't always know what to call it.
Well, now we do. It's called sexual violence.
-SolEK, MS, CFLE, CDVP

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

China attempts "masculine" mandate

China is changing. A recent article in the NBC network on line addition discussed the case of a 13-year-old boy in Shanghai. Bu Yunhao was being bullied in his middle school, avoided on a class trip, called too girly and made fun of for the pitch of his voice when as class monitor he attempted to perform his duties. He was accused of spending too much time with girls and having alternative agendas when befriending boys. While Yunhao's classmates may have stopped bullying him, the Chinese government recently decided to define masculinity themselves. A recent announcement from the government states the government will “encourage masculinity” primarily by encouraging physical contact such as boxing. Authorities are also condemning pop cultural icons that don’t fit the prescribed mold while critics state they feel the government definition emphasizes what many consider to be outdated and damaging stereotypes for men and boys. According to an articvle published in NBC News "Boy...
Post a Comment
Read more

Is infidelity a form of domestic violence? Researchers say yes. (Homework Assignment for June 24 & 25.)

  A study conducted by Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, found   infidelity  may have more in common with physical and psychological abuse than anyone has previously thought. Graduate students conducted interviews with individuals affected by extramarital affairs.   Study findings indicate unfaithful partners share many of the same characteristics as abusive partners. The cycle of events and reactions is similar in both. In both cases, a partnership may experience a build-up of tension, followed by the introduction of pain (either abuse or unfaithfulness), followed by a short period of guilt and reconciliation, which may include a short resolution period, after which the cycle starts again with renewed tension. As with abuse, cheating can become a habitual pattern in a relationship, possibly compounding the emotional trauma it creates. This pattern mirrors the cycle of violence experienced by domestic violence victims. Unfaithful partners show little...
Post a Comment
Read more

Coercive Control: Hard to See But Easy to Feel

  Imagine having the power to simple think someone into doing what you want, convincing them they are never right.   You are always the expert and there will be dire consequences if they do not follow your every whim, wish and demand.   Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that seeks to take away the victim's liberty or freedom, to strip away their sense of self. It is not just a person’s body that is violated but also their human rights.  And while most folks focusing on domestic violence think about things like striking another or strangulation, Coercive control , is not primarily a crime of violent action, but rather the crime of stealing another person’s freedom and autonomy. Coercion  occurs when a partner claims they're more knowledgeable or have your best interests at heart. They might explain that they're only trying to help, or they are looking out for the other person, but in reality, they are attempting, and often succeeding at, taking away...
Post a Comment
Read more