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Sexual Violence in Intimate Partner Relationships: It's Not Always What You Think

Photo: Blackdoctors.org


When we think about sexual violence, we typically think about cases we've seen in the news. It is not unusual to recall blatant violations that involved bold acts of complete disregard.

However, when sexual violence happens in some intimate partner relationships, the bold acts that are involved are not always easily identified.

Lundy Bancroft states "When people think about forced sex, they picture sexual assault. So when [abusive people force] sex through pressure or manipulation or sleep deprivation, [manipulated partners don't always] know what to call it..." (Why Does He Do That, p. 173).

It is rare for people who have not committed a brash act of sexual violence to even consider that they have been sexually abusive toward their partners.

Yet, when we ponder the more subtle ways in which sexual boundaries are violated, our answers concerning whether we have violated the sexual boundaries of others may go from a definite "no" to a shocked "yes."

Take a look at the following.  A pattern of any of these behaviors is abuse:
  • Waking a partner (without the partner's consent) to engage in intimate activity interferes with the partner's biological need for sleep.
  • Not respecting a partner's boundaries and begging for intimate activity causes duress and can be considered a form of low-key intimidation and without question is harassment.
  • When a partner says "no," responding with "if you don't do it, someone else will" or even hinting at such is a threat.
  • Withholding resources from a partner when intimacy needs are not met can be a form of coercion. 
Let's add it all up: interference, harassment, being intimidating, casting threats, and using coercion to get intimate needs met sounds more and more like acts of sexual violence, though no overt physical violence may be involved.

Yet, when we do not understand that the actions listed above are sexual violence, it's easy for us to engage in such behaviors and truly believe that no violence has been committed.

But just imagine if the above happens to you night after night, time and time. How secure would you feel in the relationship? Would you trust the person not to do something that would betray the relationship? Would you feel that intimate activity is more important than you?

Just a guess: the answers to the above questions are not positive.

Now let's add that all up: an intimate partner relationship that has no security, no trust, and intimate activity is of utmost important, in many instances more important than respect.

Lundy said people experiencing this abuse don't always know what to call it.
Well, now we do. It's called sexual violence.
-SolEK, MS, CFLE, CDVP

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